Day Forty Nine: Bad Thoughts, Good Deeds

I have a sense of humor that is sending me straight to hell, so I compensate by being nice.

Seriously. Madison and I were making Hitler jokes today. I make a lot of racist jokes when I’m in company that I know it is acceptable in. I make a lot of rather troubling judgments about people sometimes. In my mind, I think things about people that are pretty bad.

For example, I always cringe a little when the Asian business students from Daniels come into my store because I know they’re going to make my life a living hell since they can’t read any of the signs. I have no right to actually believe this about them; many of them have perfectly capable English language skills. I spent three months in a foreign country and I’m sure there are some vendors and bar tenders out there who still think I must have been the worst Italian student in the world.

But I’ve come to a conclusion: I think it’s okay to have fleeting bad thoughts as long as you aren’t serious about them and don’t let them change how you behave to people. We’ve been taught since childhood that even thinking badly of another person is a grievous sin. I’m not allowed to say bad things, do bad things or imply bad things to others for fear of hurting their feelings. Well, I have feelings too and even saints swear in their own head! It’s my brain; I have the right to contemplate killing obese people when they have the gall to ask how many calories are in my sorbet. (If you have to ask, the answer is too many for you.)

My head is the only place I can safely vent to the world. It is the only place I get to have irrationally angry thoughts towards my fellow man, because hell if people don’t drive me freaking nuts sometimes! So I compensate by being kind: I hold open doors, smile when people talk to me, help women with strollers go up the escalator, give up my seat on the bus and let people in when they signal on the highway. These are all things that I don’t necessarily need to do for people, but I do because I think it keeps the score card for my soul pretty even.

I hope.

I’m tired of feeling guilty when I think someone’s child is ugly. I’m sick of being told that the thoughts in my own head are wrong because they aren’t nice. If you can’t see them, then leave them be. I’ll be as mean as I want in my head, but that doesn’t mean that what I’m thinking is true or even that I actually believe it.

Challenge to my Readers:

The next time you have a bad thought, let it go without feeling guilty about it. You will be shocked at how much easier your day is if you forgive yourself this little flaw. Just make sure those thoughts don’t penetrate the filter between your brain and your mouth.