Day One Hundred and Fifty Eight: Trustworthy

I am trustworthy.

So the other night I had a wonderful “lets spill are darkest fears and secrets session” with a dear friend of mine. It was both fun and therapeutic, because we’re the kind of people with really inappropriate humor who can laugh at even the really dark stuff. I would never expect that she would spill any of my secrets and I would certainly never spill any of hers.

It feels really good to have that person in my life who I can count on to share my secrets with. And just like I mentioned in my blog about being dependable, if feels good to be that person for someone else. Being trustworthy means that you honor not only the secret itself but also the spirit of that secret. You don’t hint, you don’t brag, you just carry it with you.

When I was in my senior year of high school, I had a pretty big secret. I told a friend of mine at the time and she swore upwards and sideways that she would keep it. I was under the impression that she meant she would keep it forever. Flash forward two years and she let it slip at dinner one night. She didn’t even do it as an accident (it’s not exactly the kind of secret you slip into a casual conversation) she did it out of spitefulness and bitterness over a situation in her own life that I had no control over. I had never been so hurt in my life.

Eventually, we did the whole forgive and forget thing. But I never really forgot, and years later she called me out for being a little guarded around her. I told her it was because I didn’t feel I could trust her after she had betrayed me. Her reaction “Oh, that? Seriously, get over it.”

We’re still friends, but there’s a part of me that won’t ever give myself over to her again like that. What didn’t seem like a big deal to her was a huge deal to me. It wasn’t so much as letting the secret out that bothered me (they all come out eventually) but rather that she had betrayed the spirit of the secret, and therefore our friendship, with her carelessness.

I like to think that I’m good about secrets. The big ones I mean. I know to keep my mouth shut and adjust my morality to lie around things if I need to for a friend. That’s just something you do for the people you love. And yes, lying is bad, but eventually the truth comes out: Would you rather be the bitch who made everything awkward and awful or the person who stuck by your friend no matter what?

Challenge to my Readers:

Some truths aren’t meant to be told. If you know a secret that doesn’t belong to you, shut your mouth and carry it. That’s your burden now. (Unless it’s illegal, or gonna hurt somebody, in which case, tell away.)